Saturday, July 31, 2004
time to do some relflection... was thinking about it as i walked home just now.. moon gazing as it is (had read at cnn.com that there was going to be a "blue moon" - basically the second of two full moons in a month, which is rare to a certain extent) and it was a nice full moon.. except that it was covered by clouds :s which kinda made me think like... you can see the moon everynight... just that sometimes things are rather cloudy and hazy. just like life.

indecision. i hate being indecisive! its one of the things that really really kills me. its pretty much the stem of all problems. my kind of indecisiveness is the worse... its not that kind where like maybe u cant decide between 2 things, and spend a super long time deliberating... ok maybe that too, but i will pretty much stop everything else, my mind will be focused solely on those 2 choices, and i'll kinda move in slow motion after tt. i dunno lah, but its like if i cant decide on something i'll really be stuck. and i know this really irritates other ppl when they are affected... it really irritates me too, because all i do is ending wasting time, and then regret will be right around the corner. why? because when u spend so much time deliberating.. it kinda makes it even stupider if u made the wrong choice. *sigh*

why the stem of all problems? because the root is thinking too much. i think. way way way too much. i consider every possibility. all options. sometimes movies lose their kick cos i can predict whats gonna happen next... and it really sucks. i hate my mind! not only will i cover all the possibilities, but i'll like think far ahead as well, and it just creates even more worries and problems... it creates more indecisiveness when i can imagine every situation that will arise from any choice i make. it just completey enlarges the problem of indecisiveness, because simple choices become more complicated... and im a chicken as well, so tt makes it all the more worse. bleh.

fear. another thing that i've been struggling badly to overcome. sadly i dont think its going v well... im not talking about the kind of fear when u see spiders or flying insects or whatever. its the kind of fear that bugs you, that makes you think too much (see its the root of everything), that makes u worry about everything and anything. *insert cheesy music now* hmm actually listening to sad instrumentals used in anime... sigh. but i thought joining dance in some sense would have helped me to be more assertive, to be less stage-fright, to gain self-confidence and self-esteem... and i guess it has. but i'll always be the same old chicken me. maybe im more sensetive... but im always afraid of people's reactions, perceptions. very "ai mian zi" as mich put it :p and again it causes the indecisiveness... i wish i had more courage =(

and bleh i dont feel like blogging anymore. cos im tired. and drained.
havent felt this tired in awhile... physically mentally emotionally sapped. i hate being sick. just spent like the last hour coughing... my throat is killing me again. bleh. and i wanna go jitterbugs tmrw... *sigh* and prelims are coming and i havent really started studying.

..


or so it seems, at 11:56 PM


Thursday, July 29, 2004
*coughcough* sigh still slightly sick... haha tts alliteration for you! ;p
but anyway spending the past 3 days at home have proved rather fruitless... except for catching up on some anime and abit of local/global news... haha.  oh and i know what pareto optimality is now! and externalities and all tt stuff.. =p did manage to get abit of studying done at least... slowing getting into gear heh.. in gear 1/4 now? lol... ahhhhhhhh! im doomed :(
luckily i dont have maths to worry about... and i pretty much heck-care my s-papers... for now at least... sigh.  why did i take s papers? waste of money :p and time so far =p

on a side note... the plant clara gave me is wilty and rejuvenating everyday hahaha... apparently i havent been watering it enough, my dad told me he had to save it yesterday... hahaha *halo* still doesnt look as cute anymore though... its growing :p it needs a "pot-transplant" or so my mom says... hahahaha.  makes me think of samurai champloo... "beware of the pots!" okae nvm =p

0_O my mom just said tt my fake mogu monkey looks like a cow.  O_0  hahaha "cows aren't brown!!" "who says cows arent brown" "oops... whatever hahaha"

*yawn* still coughing.. sigh.  im advert-filler!! :( :p

=)

 


or so it seems, at 11:11 PM


Monday, July 26, 2004
ugh feel horrible... getting sick on the day i wanted to start studying.  bleh!  sch was really sian again... slept through most of the day again... heh but the extra geog lecture after school was really funny... sigh lectures with lynn are always hilarious... sexual innuendo and all hehe.

think i'd better go sleep soon... im gonna collapse :s


or so it seems, at 9:29 PM


*yawn* so tired... another draining weekend =p i know weekends are supposed to like... "reinvigorate" you... but its the only time to go out heh. i guess being a student in school has never been this difficult but at the same time so fun.. well the schooling aspect sucks, but the life aspect rocks.  kinda ironic isnt it, especially since school dominates most of the life aspect.  but it kinda makes sense too... like its because school takes up so much time, that you really cherish the time away from it =p

i really wonder what MOE is thinking... either they dont realise that students hate school (in which case they are blind/deaf/senseless/ignorant...etc.) or they see it as part of learning process.  but so many people are beginning to go overseas to pursue their education... something has to be wrong with jc.  come on... 730-430 everyday? its abit ridiculous... tts 45 hours of school a week... no including the time you have to wake up, time spent travelling (it more than covers up for early days/recess/lunch), time spent studying and doing homework, time spent for cca, extra lessons, s papers... the list goes on.  and i dont know how my post ended up being one about the lousy education system... oh well.  gotta live with it =p at least it let me meet the people i know, and let me find dance... and taught me so much about myself.. or maybe school didnt really do that, it just let me meet people. haha irony again.

anyhows... just got back from the 6th asian pacific dance competition... jun got first place in the duo/trio section! haha she was really deserving anyway... =p so glad the shirley halili cruz school didnt win -_- they have no manners at all! hogging the stage, screaming like mad when their dancers are dancing, screaming like mad when they get mentioned... and when they tied for 1st with scgs for the challenge trophy... *rrrrrr* it was like the mc asked 1 girl from each school to go raise it together, but then all the girls from shirley halili ran over and crowded around it, and raised it up themselves... then took it back to their side of the stage -_- like wth! the poor mc had so much trouble finally getting scgs to touch it... *sigh* the ugly side of dance.  haha. but the competition was real good... the guy dancers were superb! wish i could dance like tt... =p

meanwhile prelims are coming in 3 weeks oops... i really should start studying soon.. but im kinda distracted *hee* well maybe not so much distracted lah... but there are things i'd so much rather be doing than studying :s or is that the same as being distracted? heh..*sigh*
what to do... =p



or so it seems, at 12:06 AM


Wednesday, July 21, 2004
yawn... school is tiring :s had a 3 hour writing exercise after school today for e4... (war lit)... i think im getting quite sick of lit already argh! must be all the writing and reading... on thursdays i have like 4 periods of lit... excluding s paper :s which i kinda wanna drop already... kinda lost interest and also dont see the point in doing it anymore bleh.

i hope its not a rash decision... been thinking about it for quite a long time liao... i think my 3 subs might be suffering :p haha even though havent been doing much work for s-lit... i still feel the pressure. cannot get F for econs anymore... would not be good for uni admissions =p still have to give it thought though... but i think thats gonna be my decision.

school makes me tired and sleepy... i sleep a lot in school now *oops* but i cant help it! the lectures and lessons can be really boring... especially when you have no interest at all in what is being "taught".   i guess the main thing now is that i dont want to regret any decisions i make... but at the same time i realise that whatever choice i make, it'll shape me somehow... heh tts quite a positive outlook isnt it.

oh well... guess i shouldnt think so much for now. heh =) better start studying too... prelims is less than 4 weeks away already urgh.  somehow i just have this bad feeling that it wont be pleasant... and that it wont scare me into studying hard because its still like 3 months before the a's actually start. *sigh* we'll see.

however! =) got Hillsongs: To the Ends of the Earth today! =) my parents bought it for me... and they got my wallet back too! everythings still inside... :D everything's been going so smoothly... and even when it hasnt... i know that He's looking out for me :)

Hold me in Your arms... never let me go... i wanna spend eternity with You!
And now that Your'e near
everything is different
everything's so different Lord
i know im not the same
my life You've changed
i wanna be with You
i wanna be with You

=)




or so it seems, at 11:07 PM


Tuesday, July 20, 2004
=)
 
if theres one thing that i seem to do the most... its reflecting on everything that happens in my life.  maybe i do it too much... such that my mind is a constant whirl of thoughts and emotions, i think too much and consider not only what happened, what i should have done... but also what could possibly happen.  a part of me wishes i could be more spontaneous... and spontaneous in a good way, the kind of spontaneity where u look back without any regrets.  i dont know but theres a part of me that always thinks "did i do the right thing? did i take the right choice" and many times i wish that i had considered that before i had done anything, that my choice had been thought through... but tt removes the spontaneity doesnt it? haha i dun even know what im talking about... i guess that... i just wish sometimes i knew where i was headed, instead of just considering all the various possibilities and just confusing myself more.  maybe im spoilt for choice... but i hate decision making! i know that fear is a great part of our lives... and the fear of regret is a great one for me... i have too many past regrets that im trying to escape from.  i dont wanna live life with regrets... and the fear can be overwhelming sometimes.
 
im not saying that like i regret choices i've made... ultimately i recognise that every choice i make is in some sense the right choice, for its made me who i am and led me to where i am right now, and im thankful for every part of my journey... my road is filled with many turns and diversions, stop signs and potholes, but without them i wouldnt be what i am right now... and thats happy =) but regardless of that... theres always this feeling that i think too much... and i guess thats another reason i love dance.  sure i think a lot before i get on stage... i remember when i was posing for the start of the "tonight is what it means to be young"... i sat there thinking about what was going to happen, whether i'd make any mistakes, whether people would notice, the steps coming, the steps i just learnt... everything flooded my head...  but the moment i started dancing i forgot everything else, in a sense my mind became a blank.. in a sense i was freed.  and i realise theres another time when that happens... its after i pray. =)
 
its definitely been a difficult journey over the past 2 years... especially since i stopped going to church... so much has been happening and its so easy to forget all about God... so easy to get lost in all the clouds that i myself create.  thats one reason i love the clear blue sky... it gives me hope... that for that moment as i look up into the sky, i know that i can fly.. i know that anything is possible through Him.. i can be who i am. and it looks pretty too :p haha. 
 
i guess i dont feel so sad about the end of Restless... because i know that its changed me greatly.. molded me into who i am now... and most importantly.. reminded me that God is always there for me.  something that i've forgotten all too often.  its taught me a lot about love, about life, about friendships... about patience and obedience, about expression, about hope... most importantly... its shown me that dreams do come through =)
 
school might be quite dreary now... sleep during most of the lessons and lectures :s but its just another step onto something so much greater... i know that God has great things planned for me... i just have to be patient, something i've been v bad at. but... im dreaming the dance and dancing the dream now =)
 
and... i love tiramisu mudpie!!!! *yumyum* the ebony and ivory cake isnt tt nice though... haha =)



or so it seems, at 9:58 PM


Sunday, July 18, 2004
and thats it... its all over. dont really know how to feel... it was an amazing journey that i just wished wouldnt end... but as the days drew nearer i knew that it was coming to a close. but for me, i know that this is not so much the end but the beginning of a whole new world for me, a world of dance, a world of fellowship, a world of faith and belief... the whole show has changed my life, in much more ways than i can even imagine now.  all the other "changes" i've felt along the past 2 years pale in comparison to the lessons learnt from dance... like i said before, i've finally found what it means to be loved, to love =)
 
"every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end" how true indeed.. what is there to live for but the memories? what raj said today was really true... riches and fame mean nothing, its the experience and lesson we learn... its the memories that make it all worthwhile.  such stuff dreams are made off =)
 
the stars are shining extremely bright tonight... maybe not the stars in the sky... but the stars in our lives =)


or so it seems, at 3:36 AM


Thursday, July 15, 2004
hmm havent blogged in awhile... been doing so many things =p its just like dance... get home, eat... surf abit, chat abit, do some music/videoing... sleep... then the routine continues =p at least there's no more school.. haha its really a drag, especially when the only thing on my mind is dance dance and dance. heh.

*sigh* its going to be all over soon... and i never want it to end :( sometimes i wish that i had found dance when i was younger... way younger... then maybe i could like be in lasalle now and just dance everyday heh.. =p but then i realise i wouldnt be where i was now, i wouldnt have met the people i know... i know that the path in life we take has a purpose... and im so glad that im on the path i am right now. haha i think i kinda forgot what i was talking about... just got distracted =p but yay! dance dance dance dance dance dance... nothing left for me to do but dance! all these bad times im going through just dance! got canned heat in my... hahaha =p abit high now!

lala...





or so it seems, at 12:02 AM


Monday, July 05, 2004
i'm coming back to the heart of worship
its all about you, its all about you jesus
i'm sorry lord for the thing i've made it
when its all about you. its all about You.


or so it seems, at 11:40 PM


*yawn* blogging from ben's house... haha just spent the night watching greece win! =p yp just burped in my face omg. it stinks. heh... anyway had quite a lot of fun.. havent hung out with the guys in awhile, was great to just see everyone again... at ben's house of course ;) his house has everything we need.. table soccer, table tennis, large tv, entertainment system, bar, drumset+guitars... its sweet =) anyhow luckily i managed to get some sleep... haf a dance meeting in 3 hours erps. hope i dont crash during the day... havent done any homework yet! ahhhhhhhh... kinda silly to be handing up gp file and resource file and doing 1100 words though... especially this late (prelims are in 7 weeks AHHHHHHHHHHHHH) im so not prepared.. oh well guess i must really whack once dance is all over though... bleh.

sometimes i just wonder how everything will change once we leave jc.. people will definately go overseas, the guys will have army.. the girls will have work/uni.. sigh. i just hope that no matter what happens we will always find a way to keep in touch. because i will definately. definately. miss you all. miss all the moments horsing around, jacking each other, teasing each other, laughing like idiots over nothing in particular, watching the game together, catching a movie, playing pool, slacking around, shopping, hanging out... of course.. its not so much the things we do... but the people we do it with. its all about the company =)


or so it seems, at 10:31 AM


in a nutshell
josh. 22. acsian for life

Hpps/Acs(i)/Acjc/Smu SocSc

living life in the fast lane,
missing the smell of roses.
always looking for the stars,
all i see are grey clouds.

things to do before im 30
learn japanese and french
learn to cook
drive a sporty convertible
travel to japan & europe
rent my own apartment

find God again
fall in love

loves
ashypoo becca chewie clara dawny dalena eugy joy kexian liz luke mich stella tengchi vinia yp zhern aH'04 prompics zoopics

as of late
listening to: 周杰倫. My Chemical Romance. Tristan Prettyman.

watching: Lost Season 4. Friday Night Lights Season 1

reading: Thomas Pynchon - Gravity's Rainbow.

taggies

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designer | kathleen
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